This is part of my series of posts that are an attempt to discuss personal issues that I am going through. Issues that I find particularly embarrassing even though I’ve had little or no control over the fact that I fell prey to them.
Some people are awesome about sharing stuff like this and being all inspirational and crap but I tend to convince myself that letting this information out will define who I am. People will define me and then judge me! Of course the rational me knows that people who would do that aren’t worth even bothering with but sometimes irrational me likes to have a go at rational me.
Today was my eighth, and hopefully last, surgery in a little less than two years. I had prosthetic testicles implanted. If that’s what you call it. Without going into too much detail all of my surgeries have dealt with the fact that over the past year and a half or so I have gone through bilateral orchiectomies to remove both of my testes. On the bright side everything turned out to be completely benign which was the best news ever.
I have not spoken of these surgeries to anyone outside of my family. Partially out of shame and partially out of distancing myself inside a protective wall of depression.
Today, for the first time in a very long time, I feel hopeful about the future. I feel hopeful that I have experienced my last surgery for a very long time and that I can move on with the process of healing, both physically and mentally. With so many surgeries in such a confined area and with a couple of fairly serious complications in the midst of them I have nerve damage that is extremely painful that I will likely have to deal with for the rest of my life. Honestly though, considering the alternatives, there are about a million ways that things could have been far worse and I do consider myself lucky.
It may not seem like much but it’s been a difficult time for me. I’ve lost a lot of friends along the way, not by their doing but because I was often too ill or physically in no shape to go out. When you don’t want your secrets to get out it’s not easy to properly nourish friendships. I’ve also lost nearly all of whatever self-confidence I ever had. I often felt broken and unworthy of anything. When you find yourself in and out of hospitals and doctors offices constantly it takes a toll on your self worth that’s not easy to regain control of. Now, for the first time in a long time, I can see, off in the distance, the potential for some of that to start coming back.
Of course I’m nervous about the aesthetics of this last operation. Will I look like a freak? Will I be able to change in the gym? How do you meet someone you may be interested in having sexy times with and segue into fake balls? I suppose at some point I’ll be facing all of these challenges and more but for now as I sit here and contemplate how to hang on to these uplifting thoughts I’ll just have to keep reminding myself that it could have been so much worse.
This post may be here in the morning and it may not be. I’d like to say that I am confident enough to keep it up. I’d like to say that I hope that someone else that might be going through something like this will stumble across this post and reach out to me if they have any questions or just need to chat with someone who has gone through something similar. I’d like to say all of those things but we’ll just have to see what my nerves say in the morning.